My heart broke twice today. The first is when I heard that a good friend of mine has totally abandoned the religion that we both share. He not only doesn't live it, but doesn't believe any of it anymore. This is a person that I consider to be like a brother and to know that he has given up something so important hurts. What hurts worse is that there is nothing I can do to fix the problem. He has to be allowed to make his own decisions. Second is when a close friend of mine from high school and I talked today and he also told me that he doesn't believe in our religion. He has never really known if it was true. Some one else in my life has told me recently that the church is just not a part of their life right now.

I agree that agency is important but I know the church is true. I know that the things it teaches are true. I have spent almost my whole life believing it. I even spent 15 months teaching others about it. I know that it is right and true and pure. It breaks my heart that these people I care about don't believe anymore. Or did they really ever believe. I have decided that sitting back whatching someone making decisions that you don't necessary understand is one of the hardest parts of life.

Today I have been thinking about the people in my life who have guided me, directed me, and taught me. The people who have helped me be better, to be the person I am today. One of those people is Margene Elaine Nielsen Walker.

I had the priviledge of meeting this amazing women when I was serving a mission in the great state of Indiana. I don't even know where to begin to put into words the way this woman has touched my life. I am not sure I can express all that she did for me. She is the most perfect example of charity and Christ like love that I have had in my life. She taught me to believe in myself and to try and be a "lighthouse" to all I come in contact with. She always wore the most beautiful smile on her face and would laugh and enjoy all that life had to offer. She had such a great love for her family and could often be found sharing stories of her grandchildren. She was such a proud Nana at zone conferences as she shared pictures and gifts when a new Walker joined the family. Even though she hated speaking in public she would bear her testimony to us each month at meetings and pull out her trusty lighthouse to shed some light on whatever subject she was inspired to share that month. One of the things I remember the most is her fabulous hugs. They would just take you in wether it be when you needed a shoulder to cry on, a word of encouragement, a motherly love, or to laugh and share good news. Oh how I love this woman!

Unfortunatley Sister Walker passed away from this life on March 15, 2003. I keep a picture of her on my desk at work and one in my bedroom to help me remember her example and as a reminder of how I want to be every day. I love you Sister Walker and look forward to the day when I can see you again.

Do you ever reach that point where you are drained and your spirit is broken? You feel like you can't do it anymore? Well I am there. Not only do I feel like I can't. I don't really want to. Not that you really care.

The last few days honesty and integrity have been something on my mind.

Last Friday I was walking to the Trax to take the train home after I got off of work when I came across a gentleman that was panhandling for money. He asked me for any change I had and I told him that I didn't have any cash (for anyone who knows me, knows that I rarely carry cash, because it is too easy for me to spend). He then went on to call me a liar (the funny part is that I was wearing sunglasses and so he went on about how liars wear sunglasses to cover their eyes). I kept walking and ignored his jibes.

Then today at work we were pulled into a meeting and told about how someone I worked with had been fired for being extremely dishonest in his or her job. This is someone I worked with closely on a daily basis. This person was widely respected and is not someone that anyone would have expected of such an activity.

One of the lessons that I've learned is that you can't judge a book by it's cover. You never know who is trustworthy and who isn't. Maybe it is the person in the sunglasses, maybe it's the nice girl in the office. But no matter what, integrity and honesty are an important part of life. Strive to develop this virtue in your life.

Taking time to be grateful is probably something I think a lot of us forget to do; I am including myself in this statement.

This morning I rode the Trax into work with two of my co-workers and one of their spouses. As I watched my one co-worker and her spouse I was amazed at how well he treated her. After separating from her spouse we started talking about her little girl who is almost a year old and how she is able to wear clips in her hair now. My co-worker had taken a video on her camera of her adorable daughter that she shared with me. I looked at her and told her how lucky she was. She looked at me as if I was crazy. I realize that she has her rough times and that things aren't perfect, but over all I think she is really lucky. She has a husband who treats her with respect and love, a beautiful baby girl who is a joy, and she is extremely talented and kind.

How often do we forget to take time out and say, "I am so lucky."? I know that I do. I find that when bad things are happening I forgot just how many good things are a part of my life. Recently that has been the case. When I lost my job at first I felt like my world was crumbling and that nothing good was possible. Then as the summer came I have started to see how losing my job was a blessing. Leaving there allowed me opportunities to pursue friendships that would have been prohibited as long as I continued to work there. Having a new job has allowed me some opportunities of growth both in and out of the work place. The location I work at has allowed me spiritual strength that wasn't available before. It has allowed me opportunities to renew old friendships and to make new ones. There are things that I miss about my old job and yes that experience was extremely trying and I wouldn't wish anyone the emotional rollercoaster that I was on, but finding the blessings that have been available because of the change in my life is what makes me lucky.

Music has a powerful impact on my life. I can't remember a time when music wasn't a part of my life. When I was little my mom told me that I would run around the house singing songs from television commercials and the theme songs from various television programs. I remember riding in the car with my mom singing along with the radio. This is something that I still enjoy. If I am in the car alone, I will roll down the windows, turn the music way up and sing at the top of my lungs.

Today I was listening to a bunch of cds and started thinking about the songs that had specific memories associated with them. Here are a few that really stand out.

You're The Inspiration by Chicago.... One of the first boys that I liked in high school found out that this was my favorite song and at stake dances he would go out of his way to find me and dance with me. It felt special.

Love Me by Collin Raye.... I wasn't a fan of country music, until I heard this song. It came on the radio while I was in the car with my mom. This song touched me. When ever I was in the car with my mom I listened for that song, needless to say I also listened to the other songs and realized how many of the songs I liked.

All You Have To Do Is Dream by The Everly Brothers.... My high school crush sang this to me on the phone one night. There is nothing better than being serenaded.

Foolish Games by Jewel.... When I was in college my friends and I used to sing this song at the top of our lungs. We would use hairbrushes and curling irons as our microphones and dance on our couches. What a good time!

It Matters to Me by Faith Hill.... I remember a time in my life when I had my heart broken. I was hurting and felt like no one understood. I remember singing this song in the shower.

Lily's Eyes from the Secret Garden.... I remember a night during college and my two friends needed to practice the song they were going to perform at a concert. They stood in the middle of the darkened room while the rest of us sat on the ground around them. The walls glowed with glow-in-the-dark stars as they sang. I felt like I was actually there. You could feel the pain and longing in the song.

Leaving on a Jet Plane by John Denver.... At the beginning of my second year of college my friend's boyfriend was leaving on his mission. He knew how much she loved John Denver and so he had us put this song on the stereo and left a dozen red roses, so that when she got back from the MTC from dropping them off they would be waiting for her.

This Kiss by Faith Hill.... This song reminds me of spending time with one of my best friends during our many girl nights or trips out shopping or to dinner. This song somehow always managed to be playing when we were together.

When You Say Nothing At All by Ronan Keating (or Alison Krauss).... How I love this song! This is one of my all-time favorite songs! There are many memories of this song. There is just something about it that makes me happy. Every time that I hear it I smile.

Round Here by Counting Crows.... This one always takes me to a dark room sitting with my friend as the live version of this song played. It just had a haunting effect. I am not sure why, maybe it was the darkness, maybe it was the lyrics, maybe it was my friend, I don't know why. I do know that it has stayed with me ever since.

Can't Help Falling in Love With You by U2.... This is a song that easily gets stuck in my head and once it is stuck in my head it stays there. Every time I hear this song it reminds me of my good friend and the times we'd be sitting at his work as he sang in his best Bono impression.

In the past I have done spotlights on various friends and it is something I haven't done much of lately, but I have decided to start doing them again. They won't be done on any specific day and will be done on various people that are a part of my life.

Brenda is one of those individuals who have a way of taking a broken heart and helping mend it with lots of love. She is an extremely gifted individual at bringing people together and can always be counted on to lend her ear if you need to talk. She's fun to joke with and has a way of relating with people of all ages, from 0 to 73 (and then some). B has a great love of books and can often be found curled up on the couch reading. She enjoys music, but don't ask her to tell you the name of the song or the artist who is singing it, because to her it is all Mo-Tab! ;o} She is extremely young at heart and enjoys a good game of glow in the dark dodge ball or a night at home with her friends hanging out and watching movies. Brenda loves her family and is the "favorite aunt" to her nieces and nephews who all want to be just like her. And who can blame them?!?! Brenda is awesome and I feel truly blessed to know her.

This past week has been one of renewal. At the beginning of the week I spent my lunch hour at the food court with one of my co-workers. While eating my lunch I looked up and saw an old friend standing in line. Chris is someone I haven't seen in about six years. I stood up and walked over to him and he greeted me with a giant bear hug. That hug bridged the gap of time that had past since the last time I had seen him. We talked for a few minutes and then he handed me his business card and I promised I would e-mail him.

Friday I received a phone call from a friend that even though I see her occasionally, we don't have the opportunity to spend time together very often. So Saturday night I met her and her husband for dinner and a movie. We talked of their new house, my new job, and more while enjoying each others company.

Sunday found me pondering a family that I was extremely close to prior to my mission, but haven't spoken to in about three or four years. I picked up my cell phone and dialed the number I had stored there not sure if it would work or not. It ended up being the right number, and Sarah and I talked for about a half hour as she filled me in on what changes had happened in her life and that of her family.

All three of these people have played significant roles in my life at different times. Each one has claimed a part of my heart and has helped me be a better person. I am grateful that Heavenly Father allowed me the opportunity to cross paths with each of them again.

"The trouble with the world and the trouble with you and me is that we don't love each other enough. And if we do, we don't bother to show it, or we don't bother to say it."
Marjorie Pay Hinckley

This has been something that has been on my mind a lot over the course of the past two months. I will share with you an example of what triggered this thought in my mind (All of the names in this story have been changed).

As most of you know until a month ago, I worked at a public high school. During the last week of May I took a week off to have surgery on my arm. When I returned back to school two days before graduation, it was yearbook day. During my lunch break I spent time in the hall talking with the students and signing yearbooks. There was a flyer on the floor that was inviting the students to a party to sign yearbooks for a student by the name of Harry. I was confused by this and one of the students I was with noticed that. Sue said, "Didn't you hear what happened to him? I hadn't so she went on to explain how in their AP English class one of their final assignments had been to write a paper expressing their feelings about their high school experience. Harry had a rough time in high school; a lot of the kids had been extremely rude and hurtful. Harry rarely said anything about it, but from my interaction with him I knew it was hard on him as he felt he had no friends. Sue told me how after the teacher had read Harrys paper she took it down to the administration at our school and they felt that the paper showed that he was too much of a threat. (The havoc of Columbine hung in the air.) Harry was expelled from school. Because of this incident the other students finally became aware of how their actions and words had affected Harry. Sue told me how badly she had felt to know she was a part of the problem. The thing is Sue isn't an awful person; she is actually one of the kindest people I have had the privilege to meet. She told me that she realized now just how much of a difference once person could make. I told her if that is the only thing she learned in her four years of high school, then she came out successful.

I personally do not feel that Harry was a threat to his fellow students. I think he was just a kid who was hurting inside, but what could the actions or words of one other student have done to make a difference in his life? How many people do you come in contact with every day that is experiencing something in their lives? Could someone you know be having problems at home? Could they have just broken up with their boyfriend or girlfriend? Could they be contemplating suicide? Sometimes all it takes is one person to show that they care. To let them know that they matter and that they are not alone.

Let the people in your lives know that you care about them and let them know that to you they matter. It doesn't require much; it could just be a smile or a phone call or an e-mail. To those of you that are reading this … thank you. Thank you for visiting the site. To my personal cheerleaders, who are many miles away in distance but are only a phone call away, for always helping to remind me that I have much to offer the world. To my dear friend JRA, thank you for e-mailing with me yesterday and listening and providing some needed words of wisdom. Thank you mom for being there when I needed someone more than I have ever needed someone before.

Also ...

I am working on a project that requires me to pick one word starting with each letter in the alphabet that signifies something having to do with me. I am having a hard time being original. I am going to put the alphabet on here and fill in some of the blanks ... feel free to leave comments with your suggestions. Feel free to leave ones for those that are either blank or filled in. I can use more than one in each category.

A		N
B		O	Orange
C		P	Photography/Pictures
D		Q
E	East	R	Reading
F		S
G	Giraffes	T	Travel
H	Hedgehogs	U
I	Indiana	V
J		W
K		X
L		Y
M	Music	Z

 

When I see birches bend to left and right
Across the lines of straighter darker trees,
I like to think some boy's been swinging them.
But swinging doesn't bend them down to stay.
Ice-storms do that. Often you must have seen them
Loaded with ice a sunny winter morning
After a rain. They click upon themselves
As the breeze rises, and turn many-colored
As the stir cracks and crazes their enamel.
Soon the sun's warmth makes them shed crystal shells
Shattering and avalanching on the snow-crust
Such heaps of broken glass to sweep away
You'd think the inner dome of heaven had fallen.
They are dragged to the withered bracken by the load,
And they seem not to break; though once they are bowed
So low for long, they never right themselves:
You may see their trunks arching in the woods
Years afterwards, trailing their leaves on the ground
Like girls on hands and knees that throw their hair
Before them over their heads to dry in the sun.
But I was going to say when Truth broke in
With all her matter-of-fact about the ice-storm
(Now am I free to be poetical?)
I should prefer to have some boy bend them
As he went out and in to fetch the cows
Some boy too far from town to learn baseball,
Whose only play was what he found himself,
Summer or winter, and could play alone.
One by one he subdued his father's trees
By riding them down over and over again
Until he took the stiffness out of them,
And not one but hung limp, not one was left
For him to conquer. He learned all there was
To learn about not launching out too soon
And so not carrying the tree away
Clear to the ground. He always kept his poise
To the top branches, climbing carefully
With the same pains you use to fill a cup
Up to the brim, and even above the brim.
Then he flung outward, feet first, with a swish,
Kicking his way down through the air to the ground.
So was I once myself a swinger of birches.
And so I dream of going back to be.
It's when I'm weary of considerations,
And life is too much like a pathless wood
Where your face burns and tickles with the cobwebs
Broken across it, and one eye is weeping
From a twig's having lashed across it open.
I'd like to get away from earth awhile
And then come back to it and begin over.
May no fate willfully misunderstand me
And half grant what I wish and snatch me away
Not to return. Earth's the right place for love:
I don't know where it's likely to go better.
I'd like to go by climbing a birch tree,
And climb black branches up a snow-white trunk
Toward heaven, till the tree could bear no more,
But dipped its top and set me down again.
That would be good both going and coming back.
One could do worse than be a swinger of birches.

by Robert Frost

I realized that I never shared my experience in Mobile, Alabama. The only thing I really knew about Alabama when I got there was that there was red dirt. It was the one thing my mom kept telling me about. Yes, I did see red dirt, but the only experience I had with it, was viewing it from the plane as we landed.

I took a shuttle from the airport to the hotel were I would be staying. I ended up being the only passenger on the shuttle and ended up sharing a nice conversation with the driver, who was an older gentleman who had lived in Alabama his whole life. He shared some of the history of the area, and you could tell that he loved it. Did you know that Mardi Gras was started in Mobile and not in New Orleans? The city pretty much shuts down during that time and parties 24 hours a day. They are extremely supportive of the musical programs of the high school students and love seafood.

The main reason I was there was to attend the America's Junior Miss pageant and support Stephanie, the current Utah's Junior Miss. This was an experience that was very different from anything I have done in the past, and I must say I really enjoyed myself. First off I am so proud of Stephanie. She did famously! She was one of the top eight finalists and won more scholarship funds to help her on her road to Harvard. She won the Be Your Best Self Award, was one of the top five in the talent category along with being in the top eight finalists. She represented Utah very well.

One of the things I loved most about the program was meeting people from all over the nation. Besides Stephanie, three other contestants were LDS and three of the the last 10 winners were LDS. Shows what kind of women us LDS women are ... lol! These girls are so smart and kind. I had the priviledge of talking to three of the girls as I waited for my plane to board in Mobile. We looked at the pictures I had taken and talked about their goals for college and the future.

Other fun things that I experienced on my trip were eating fried alligator (and yes this was by choice and actually wasn't bad - tastes like chewy chicken), going shopping (we drove an hour away and saw some other parts of the state), and taking pictures (of course, when don't I have my camera with me!?!).

I had a marvelous time ... thank you Brinton family for letting me share this with y'all.

I started my new job today and I am really enjoying it. I am still not certain about the actual job, since I am waiting for my computer log in, but having this new job has given me a few other opportunities.

First is the location. Where I am working is located smack in the middle of downtown, right next to Temple Square. Because downtown has such limited parking options, I now get to take the Trax into work. At first I wasn't sure I was going to like this, but I love the opportunity to watch others. Today as I sat in my seat, the closer we got to downtown, the more crowded the train became. Two women entered the train and there were no seats left. One man offered up his chair to the women, both women declined, but I was so impressed by the respect he showed them. The other thing about this man was that at first glance you wouldn't have expected him to be a gentleman. He doesn't fit the stereotype. I was happy to be proven wrong.

Then at lunchtime I was meeting a friend of mine from high school in the food court. I had 30 minutes before our appointed time that I decided to use by going across the street and sitting in the main street plaza. I thoroughly enjoyed the beautiful weather and the peace that filled that location as I read my book. Then as I went back over to the mall and waited for my friend I was able to watch as Elder Oaks and his beautiful wife came in for lunch. I loved watching how they interacted and to see them being "normal". I love how these respected and humble men are not just apostles but also human beings who are a model of a successful life.

The people I am working with are very nice, and I am excited to have a new opportunity to learn new skills and develop new relationships.

I think I am going to love this new job.

How I love Independence Day! A day to remember what being an American is all about. From the coast of California to the City of New York people will be celebrating the freedom that we enjoy as citizens of this great country. I am proud to be an AMERICAN!